15 things you should never say

Posted on 23 June 2015

 1.   So, when are you guys going to have kids?

On many occasions the couple MAY already have been trying to have children. When hearing this question it makes for an awkward response, or (depending on how close the person is) an honest and revealing response that in most cases is not anticipated. This can be one of the hardest (and least talked about) questions that someone can raise.

Another situation may be that the couple have actually had a miscarriage, which brings up that painful memory (you might not get the invite to the next BBQ).

The other side to this coin is those who don’t WANT children. Yes, there are people out there who don’t see that the purpose of life is to procreate. Expect honesty from these people in particular, though they are generally tired of repeating their answer, so remember to not ask the same question twice (or better yet, don’t ask the question at all).


2.   So, when is the baby due?

Quite self-explanatory. If the lady is not pregnant she will be mightily pissed off, and violence would be an acceptable response (don’t quote me on this I’m not a lawyer). If she IS pregnant you’ve dodged a bullet. DO NOT use (1) above to try and work out if she IS pregnant, basically once again stay clear of any of this line of questioning. ..


3.   Are you done yet (when having happy fun times)?

This question should only be allowed when you are out at restaurant and is being asked by a waitress who is about to take your semi-cleaned plates away, not when you’ve just had an intimate moment…


4.   Jokes that are insulting and can be hurtful i.e.

(Q) What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?….

        (A)  Cancer


(Q) What do you call an epileptic covered in leaves who’s having a fit..

        (A) Rustle…


(Q) What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Paralympics?

        (A) Not being retarded.


JUST DON”T DO IT!  You don’t know what other people are going through, or if they are going through a debilitating condition themselves, it’s not worth the laugh from Bazza in the corner for hurting your other mate’s feelings.


5.   I’ve heard that’s incurable…

No-one cares what you’ve heard. Nothing is impossible – haven’t you seen 60 minutes!


6.   That is so gay!

Get with the times – we are making some progress! Everyone knows someone who is gay. The days of cowboys and Indians and herding gay people out of town are long-gone (well in this country anyway). Basically you should not use derogatory words in connotation with gay or call someone gay, or hate anyone who is… (Sorry I’ve lost the red-necks with such big words again..)


7.   That is the wrong way; I can’t believe you could be so stupid!

Once again it’s all subjective. No-one cares which way you would do it, especially if it’s not the way that I’ve just done it. Calling someone stupid is not teaching them anything, maybe if you see a fault teach, don’t just ridicule.

p.s. if your wife says this, the best response is … “Okay Dear”..


8.   Have you put on weight?

Don’t ask it - EVER.. Best answer if you are confronted with this is:

“YOU HAVE!” (Unless it’s your wife asking then you can do the atypical male grunt response “Ugh”)


9.   You are too thin, you need to eat more

There are some people out there who just can’t put weight on, no matter how much cake you tell them they should eat, or how many extra lards of butter you add to their meal and guess what, these people aren’t all going off to the restrooms to relieve themselves of their meal. Be considerate – you know much less than you think you do.

10.   Why would they EVER believe in that?

I am relating this to a religious perspective; however in most cases remember it’s always subjective. Relating to religion or spirituality, faith is more important than what time the footy is on Friday night. If someone is going to tease you about your beliefs they obviously have never felt any connection to the creator. Hope and faith should be cornerstones of every soul on the planet.


11.   I notice that you’re going grey, bald etc etc??

What, are you a genius? Well done, great observation skills Roger Ramjet!  Thanks for pointing that out and trying to make me feel as old as my age. A reasonable reply to this question would be “You Are!”


12.   Nice shirt, did you pick that yourself?

Firstly I know you’re trying to be smart, and it doesn’t suit you. Yes I did dress myself this morning, which I know for you would be a big achievement for the day. SO maybe I do shop at St Vincent’s rather than Hugo Boss, but some of us become sucked in by commercial markets and fancy advertising and… (sorry I probably lost you with sucked).

OR …there is a strong chance that my wife actually chose what I am wearing today (and you better hope she didn’t hear you ask that so smugly).

13.   You know what they say, small feet/or hands … small…

I’d actually like to know if taxpayer money has been spent on this. Is there someone who has actually done this research because I’m at least average. A reasonable response is non-verbal – pants down!


14.   Why did you vote for them?

To start with it’s politics which is SUPER BORING!!  Basically most of the puppets are the same, (especially if you’ve had to vote this century). Politics and their nasty tricks I always say! If you believe in someone strongly enough, tell people why they would be good to vote for and what their policies are …..wait do some of them actually have policies???  :P


15.   If I had that opportunity I would have been able to do that so much better!

Once again don’t eat sour grapes. Envy is uglier than my shirt from St Vincent’s! Who knows what each of us has gone through to get where we are. Don’t judge a book by its cover, or a person by their lover, remember like an iceberg, you only ever see 10% of what their peachy life is really like.